Petroushka\’s Miscellany


The Antarctic Christmas Songbook

The Antarctic Hut Song
to the tune of Away in a Manger
Deep in the Antarctic, in McMurdo Sound,
The intrepid explorers a tiny hut found.
They filled it with canned goods and with darkroom supplies
To record their adventures under Antarctic skies.

The walls were filled with seaweed to keep cold winds at bay,
And outside the sled dogs were rambunctious and gay.
Midwinter felt like Christmas even though it was June,
And the fearless explorers sang this Antarctic tune.

One hundred years later that hut is still there,
With its tins of sardines and its emergency flares.
Now boatloads of tourists can visit with ease—
All they need is an icebreaking ship and the keys.

Deck the Halls
Deck the halls with South Pole mosses,
Fa la la la la la la la la.
In the sky the Southern Cross is,
Fa la la la la la la la la.
Don we now our warm apparel,
Fa la la la la la la la la.
Troll the new Antarctic carols,
Fa la la la la la la la la.

See the vast white plains before us,
Fa la la la la la la la la.
What we wouldn’t give for forests,
Fa la la la la la la la la.
We are tired of snow and glaciers,
Fa la la la la la la la la.
Ice and icebergs and ice fissures,
Fa la la la la la la la la.

Roasted penguin ‘stead of turkey,
Fa la la la la la la la la.
Some of us are down with scurvy,
Fa la la la la la la la la.
Every day brings nasty weather,
Fa la la la la la la la la.
But at least we’re all together,
Fa la la la la la la la la.

It Came Upon A Midnight Clear
It came upon a midnight clear
That glorious song of old,
Sung by eight tiny reindeer
All standing in the cold.
“Where did they come from?”
The scientists mused,
“There are no deer at the South Pole.”
The reindeer saw that they were confused
And this is the story they told:

“As we were flying around the world
With Santa Claus tonight,
We came to Antarctica and beheld
A fearful and terrible sight.
The ozone layer above you here
Is tattered and shredded with holes.
You must do something within the year
To get it back under control.

“We came to tell all you scientists
‘Cuz we know you’re George Bush’s spies:
The shrinking of the ozone layer
Is not just liberal lies!”
The scientists began to perspire
Then one gave the others a sign.
That night, around a roaring fire,
They dined on grilled reindeer and wine.

That would have been the last that we knew
Of Santa’s poor reindeer herd,
Except that the spies had neglected to
Keep Santa from spreading the word.
When Congress learned of the cover up
They fired George Bush for his lies.
It took the deaths of those famous deer
To make them stand up for the skies.

Polar Bear Migration Song
To the tune of Little Drummer Boy
All the polar bears
Pa ra pa pum pum
Are tired of Canada,
Pa ra pa pum pum
So they’ve decided to
Pa ra pa pum pum
Move to Antarctica,
Pa ra pa pum pum
Ra pa pum pum
Ra pa pum pum
They have packed their bags,
Pa ra pa pum pum
Here they come.

But Antarctica
Pa ra pa pum pum
Is much too cold for bears,
Pa ra pa pum pum
So they have come prepared
Pa ra pa pum pum
With lots of goretex layers,
Pa ra pa pum pum
Ra pa pum pum
Ra pa pum pum
They have also brought
Pa ra pa pum pum
Lots of rum.

Here Comes Raytheon
to the tune of Here Comes Santa Claus
Here comes Raytheon,
Here comes Raytheon,
Down Antarctica Way
Here comes Raytheon,
Here comes Raytheon,
Keeping the free world safe.
Military installations all need radar guides.
Raytheon will see to it that terrorists cannot hide!

Here comes Raytheon,
Here comes Raytheon,
Down Antarctica Way
Here comes Raytheon,
Here comes Raytheon,
Keeping enemies at bay.
Down there in the ice and snow it seems that all is calm,
But Raytheon is working hard to develop major bombs.

Rudolph the Sunburned Scientist
Rudolph the sunburned scientist
Had a very shiny nose,
And if you ever saw him
You would even say it glows.
All of the other scientists
Said to use some sunblock cream,
But Rudolph he wouldn’t listen—
He said they were a pansy team!

Then one sunny day last May
UV rays were strong.
Rudolph stayed out working late
‘Cuz his experiments were going wrong.
When he returned to base camp
He saw that he had gotten fried.
That put an end to Rudolph’s
Insurmountable male pride.

Snowy night, Icy Night
to the tune of Silent Night
Snowy night, icy night,
Frozen toes, frost bite.
Mercury falls into oblivion,
Antarctica was supposed to be fun.
Where are the warm balaclavas?
Where are the down comforters?

Snowy night, icy night,
Snowstorm comes, all turns white.
Goosebumps and flu shots exist side by side.
I want to go on a sleigh ride.
Penguins do not make good reindeer,
And Santa is nowhere in sight.

Penguins Roasting on an Open Fire
Penguins roasting on an open fire,
Leopard seals nipping at your toes,
Trucks equipped with the best in snow tires,
And folks dressed up like Eskimos.
Everybody knows it’s hard to find fresh vegetables
In the grasp of winter’s mighty night.
Raytheon, with its chefs in the snow,
Will find it hard to sleep tonight.
They know that cargo trucks are on the way.
They’re bringing lots of gourmet foods like cheese soufflé.
And every scientist is gonna smile—
They know that their food’s the best around for miles.
And so I’m offering this simple phrase
To Raytheon employees, even Jews:
Although it’s been said many times, many ways,
Merry Christmas to yous!

Antarctica, Antarctica
to the tune of Hannukah, Oh Hannukah
Antarctica, Antarctica, it’s not much like Newton,
A little more like Russia without Mr. Putin.
Gather round the base camp, we’ll give you a treat
Penguins to play with and canned food to eat

And while we are singing,
The glaciers are melting low.
The sun shining bright makes the snow gleaming white
And illuminates every ice floe.
The sun shining bright makes the snow gleaming white
And illuminates every ice floe.

The South Po-el
to the tune of The First Noël
The South Po-el is a great place to go,
From there all directions are north as you know.

The South Po-el is a nice place to be,
For the sun will keep shining for months at least three.

At the axis of the globe the land is all white,
Except when it’s black because of endless night.

At the South Po-el southern stars rule the sky,
And a cross of stars will answer your cry.

On the Seventh Continent
to the tune of Good King Wenceslas
On the seventh continent folks are facing ruin,
Temperatures are rising now when they should be coolin’.
All across Antarctica glacial speeds have doubled,
When they break the mighty shelf, boy will there be trouble!

On the melting continent sunblock is required,
For the lack of ozone layer sets your skin on fire.
On this Christmas day we pray the world will cap emissions,
So next year the ice will be without major fissions.

Amundson Is Coming to Town
You better not shout
You better not cry
You better not pout I’m telling you why
Amundson is coming to town.

He’s breaking the ice,
Crossing the pole,
Gonna find out just why it’s so cold,
Amundson is coming to town.

He sees the penguins walking
Across the icy shelf.
He knows when they have dropped their eggs
And each doomed attempt at flight.

Oh, Norway’s proud flag
Flutters in sight,
The sun will be shining through Christmas night.
Amundson is coming to town.

Antarctica Rocks
to the tune of Jingle Bell Rock
Antarctica, Antarctica, Antarctica rocks
Antarctica swings, Antarctica rings.
Snow caps and ice fields
And penguins galore,
No other land mass in the world has more!

Sleighbells, and reindeer, and cute little elves.
Making the toys for Santa’s shelves —
Oops, I’m mistaken,
That’s in the North Pole.
Down here we’re by ourselves!

It’s an ice shelf on a warm lake
That might just float away.
If it breaks off we will find that
A 40-foot wave wiped our coastlines away.

Lichens, and mosses, but no Christmas trees,
Scientists round the bend,
Ice floes
And icebergs
The ice never ends,
That’s Antarctica
That’s my Antarctica
That’s why Antarctica rocks!

Oh Come All Ye Penguins
Oh come all ye penguins
Joyful in tuxedos!
Waddle oh waddle
Through ice and snow.
Slide on your bellies
Into the freezing water.
But watch out for the leopards,
Oh watch out for the leopards,
Yes watch out for the leopard seals –
They’ll bite you in two!

Antarctica, Antarctica
to the tune of Oh Tannenbaum
Antarctica, Antarctica,
Oh land of hypothermia.
Antarctica, Antarctica,
Twice as big as Australia.
Your winds are strong,
Your cliffs are steep.
Your days are long,
Your snow is deep.
Antarctica, Antarctica,
There are no bears inside you.

The Leopard Seal and Penguin
to the tune of The Holly and the Ivy
The leopard seal and penguin
Are bitter enemies,
But the penguins have a new strategy
For swimming in the sea.

They have bought some rocket launchers
And some Chinese RPGs,
And are pointing them at the leopard seals
With their faces full of glee.

If the leopard seals attack them
They will lob some small grenades,
And the air will fill with bits of leopard seal
And the penguins shall be saved.

Now the sea is full of penguins
All swimming merrily,
Having beat their foes not with tooth and claw —
But with light artillery.

God Rest Ye Merry Leopard Seals
to the tune of God Rest Ye Merry Gentlemen

God rest ye merry leopard seals let nothing you dismay.
Remember all the penguin chicks will come to you this day.
They’ll leap into the icy pool where in wait you will lay,
Oh tidings of comfort and joy,
Comfort and joy,
Oh tidings of comfort and joy!

The sea will fill with penguin chicks all swimming to and fro.
And tho’ they’ll try to swim away they’ll have nowhere to go.
You’ll feed on hordes of penguin chicks and crunch their little bones!
Oh tidings of comfort and joy
Comfort and joy,
Oh tidings of comfort and joy!

Hark the Tiny Krill All Sing
to the tune of Hark the Herald Angels Sing
Hark, the tiny krill all sing,
Glory to the start of spring!
The Antarctic winter snow
Kept the plankton numbers low.
But now sunlight all night long
Makes the phytoplankton strong.
Plankton blooms make water green,
Then we eat the ocean clean.
We love plankton, yes we do.
If you were krill then you would too.

Hark, the giant whales all sing,
Glory to the start of spring!
All this plankton floating here
Makes a trillion krill appear.
Though we are leviathans,
And we eat krill by the tonne,
There are such a lot of krill
That each of us can eat his fill.
Whales from near and from afar
Love this Antarctic buffet bar.

I Saw A Ship Come Sailing In
to the tune of We Saw Three Ships Come Sailing In
I saw a ship come sailing in
To Antarctica, Antarctica.
I saw Scott’s ship come sailing in
To Antarctica in the morning.

The next day it was frozen fast
In Antarctica, Antarctica.
The ice was clearly built to last
In Antarctica in the morning.

The sailors tried to find a path
Through Antarctica, Antarctica.
But one by one they froze to death
In Antarctica in the morning.

That was the last ever heard of them
From Antarctica, Antarctica.
Scott wasn’t as lucky as Shackelton
In Antarctica in the morning.

It’s Winter in the Antarctic
to the tune of We Wish You a Merry Christmas

It’s winter in the Antarctic,
It’s winter in the Antarctic,
It’s winter in the Antarctic,
And it’s pretty damn cold!

It’s too cold for bears.
It’s too cold for bees.
It’s too cold for swimming,
And it’s too cold for trees.

The ice caps are melting lower,
The ice caps are melting lower,
The ice caps are melting lower,
And the earth is warming.

Soon there will be bears
And bullfrogs and bees.
There might even be swimming
On a beach with palm trees.

We’ll go there for our vacation,
We’ll go there for our vacation,
We’ll go there for our vacation,
When the ice is all gone.

We’ll bring SPF
And shirts with long sleeves
To avoid UVA rays
And the strong UVBs.

We Three Penguins
to the tune of We Three Kings of Orient Are
We three penguins miserable are.
From our icy home we are far.
Snatched before we even hatched and
Shipped to a zoo in Myanmar.

Zoos are wretched, zoos are rough,
Zoos are only for the tough.
Animals despair in cages
‘Till one day they’ve had enough.

Then they slit their animal veins,
Blow out their tiny animal brains,
Lie there bleeding yet still dreaming
Of the vast Antarctic plains.

While Scientists Watched Their Rocks by Night
to the tune of While Shepherds Watched Their Flocks by Night
While scientists watched their rocks by night
All seated round and round,
The mosses and the lichens too
Grew clustered on the ground.

Trees cannot grow because of cold
And wind and lack of rain.
But many kinds of algae live
Across the icy plain.

Some even grow inside the rock
To shelter from the cold.
Biologists have found some that
Are thousands of years old.

The ocean too is rich with
Phytoplankton and algae
That feed the other creatures
In their great diversity.

From salps and krill through fish and seals
Up to gigantic whales,
The food chain in Antarctica
Ensures that life prevails.

The weird and wacky plants and creatures
Of the South Pole thrive
In harsh conditions other living
Things could not survive.

The Twelve Days of Antarctic Christmas
On the first day of Christmas my true love gave to me:
An ice core filled with algae.

On the second day of Christmas my true love gave to me:
Two leopard seals,
And an ice core filled with algae.

On the third day of Christmas my true love gave to me:
Three research stations,
Two leopard seals,
And an ice core filled with algae.

On the fourth day of Christmas my true love gave to me:
Four scientists,
Three research stations,
Two leopard seals,
And an ice core filled with algae.

On the fifth day of Christmas my true love gave to me:
Five emperor penguins,
Four scientists,
Three research stations,
Two leopard seals,
And an ice core filled with algae.

On the sixth day of Christmas my true love gave to me:
Six winter parkas,
Five emperor penguins,
Four scientists,
Three research stations,
Two leopard seals,
And an ice core filled with algae.

On the seventh day of Christmas my true love gave to me:
Seven balaclavas,
Six winter parkas,
Five emperor penguins,
Four scientists,
Three research stations,
Two leopard seals,
And an ice core filled with algae.

On the eighth day of Christmas my true love gave to me:
Eight pairs of longjohns,
Seven balaclavas,
Six winter parkas,
Five emperor penguins,
Four scientists,
Three research stations,
Two leopard seals,
And an ice core filled with algae.

On the ninth day of Christmas my true love gave to me:
Nine ice glaciers,
Eight pairs of longjohns,
Seven balaclavas,
Six winter parkas,
Five emperor penguins,
Four scientists,
Three research stations,
Two leopard seals,
And an ice core filled with algae.

On the tenth day of Christmas my true love gave to me:
Ten frozen tourists,
Nine ice glaciers,
Eight pairs of longjohns,
Seven balaclavas,
Six winter parkas,
Five emperor penguins,
Four scientists,
Three research stations,
Two leopard seals,
And an ice core filled with algae.

On the eleventh day of Christmas my true love gave to me:
Eleven woolly mittens,
Ten frozen tourists,
Nine ice glaciers,
Eight pairs of longjohns,
Seven balaclavas,
Six winter parkas,
Five emperor penguins,
Four scientists,
Three research stations,
Two leopard seals,
And an ice core filled with algae.

On the twelfth day of Christmas my true love gave to me:
Twelve defense contracts,
Eleven woolly mittens,
Ten frozen tourists,
Nine ice glaciers,
Eight pairs of longjohns,
Seven balaclavas,
Six winter parkas,
Five emperor penguins,
Four scientists,
Three research stations,
Two leopard seals,
And an ice core filled with algae.

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Trackbacks & Pingbacks

  1. Yet More Antarctic Christmas Carols « Petroushka’s Miscellany pingbacked on 10 years, 9 months ago
  2. The Antarctic Christmas Songbook, Part 2 « Petroushka’s Miscellany pingbacked on 10 years, 9 months ago

Comments

  1. * Kent Herrick says:

    Laughing out loud!!

    Roasting Penguins…. well Eat a whale and save the krill!! and a Penguin too … Merry Christmas from Texas

    Posted 9 years, 9 months ago


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